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Dear Subscriber First Name, Starting daycare, preschool, or elementary school is a big milestone—not just for our kids, but for us as parents, too. We want our children to be social, to make friends, to feel a sense of belonging. But witnessing the actual learning curve of friendship? That can be surprisingly emotional. It might even stir up some of our own childhood memories—of being left out, of being too much, or not enough. One of the most complex parts of early schooling is watching our children begin to learn how to be a friend… and realizing it’s not always smooth. As they enter new peer groups, we’re often caught off guard by the reality of social learning. Some kids seem to arrive with an instinct for kindness, sharing, or collaboration. Others push boundaries—literally—by grabbing or hitting as their first attempt to connect. And while this learning is completely normal, it can still be painful to witness—especially when it’s your child who gets hurt or when you find out it was your child who did the hurting. The truth is, early friendships are messy. But they’re also where some of the most important social-emotional skills are built: empathy, repair, resilience, and inclusion. There’s no skipping over these bumps—but you can be a steady, supportive presence through them. When Your Child Comes Home Hurt It’s a visceral moment for any parent—your child comes home with a scratch on their arm or bite mark on their shoulder, and your heart drops. You feel protective, confused, maybe even angry. And of course, you want to do something. Here’s how to handle it thoughtfully: What to say to the teacher or school:Approach with curiosity, be clear and calm about wanting communication
"I noticed a bite mark on Jonah's arm and wanted to check in. Was there an incident at school today? I know these things can happen at this age, and I’d just love a little context."
"I know all kids are learning, but I'd really appreciate being notified if something like this happens again so I can support Jonah at home."
Or, if the school did let you know, you can still ask for clarity and connection by saying something like:
"Thanks for letting me know what happened today. I appreciate the update. Can you help me understand a bit more about how it unfolded? What support was offered in the moment, and how is the other child being guided through this learning process?" You can also ask about: Supervision during unstructured times What the typical follow-up looks like when a conflict occurs How the school supports both the child who was hurt and the child who did the hurting
What to say to your child:Validate the experience without making it scarier:
"Ouch, it looks like that hurt. I’m so sorry that happened."
"Sometimes other kids are still learning how to show they want something or how to manage big feelings. That doesn’t make it okay, but it helps us understand why it happened."
Teach them about friendship and boundaries:
"You don’t have to be close friends with everyone, but you do need to treat everyone with kindness. And the same goes for them too. Being a friend means feeling good when you’re with someone—it should feel safe, fun, and kind both ways. If it doesn’t, it’s okay to take a break or play with someone else."
Be mindful of how you speak about others in front of your child. Avoid badmouthing the other child, the teachers, or the school. If your child hears you speak negatively about the school, it can chip away at their sense of safety and trust—‘If my parents don’t like this place, should I?’ And if you speak harshly about the other child, it might make it harder for your child to feel okay repairing or reconnecting with them later. Instead, model grace and understanding. Everyone has hard moments—including our own kids—and we can lead with empathy while still holding boundaries.
Let them know they can always tell you and their teacher, and it’s safe to feel upset or confused. One of the most important messages we can give our children is that it’s always safe to come to us—or to a trusted adult—when something feels off. Whether it’s physical (like being pushed or scratched) or emotional (like feeling left out or teased), kids need repeated reassurance that sharing those experiences won’t get them in trouble, won’t cause conflict, and will always be met with care and support.
When Your Child Is the One Who Bit or ScratchedGetting the call or hearing from the teacher that your child hurt someone can feel embarrassing or guilt-inducing—but it’s far more common than many parents realize, especially among toddlers and preschoolers. Children don’t bite or scratch because they’re “bad”—they do it because they’re overwhelmed, curious, frustrated, or unable to use words yet. It’s a developmental behavior, not a moral flaw. What to say to the teacher or school:Thank them for letting you know. Ask:
"Can you help me understand what led up to the moment?"
Show that you’re a partner in supporting your child:
"At home, I’ll help practice using words and recognizing big feelings. I’d love to stay in the loop so we can work together."
What to say to your child:Keep it simple and direct:
"I heard you scratched your friend when you were upset. It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hurt someone."
Use “do instead” language:
"Next time you feel that mad, you can stomp your feet, squeeze your hands, or say ‘I need help!’”
Practice at neutral times. Use dolls or role-play to help them rehearse what to do next time.
Starting school is an adjustment for the whole family. We expect the backpacks and snack prep—but the emotional work of navigating early friendships often takes us by surprise. Whether your child comes home with a bite mark or is the one who scratched, the most important thing you can do is stay connected: to your child, to their teacher, and to your own calm center. Every hard moment is also a chance to model resilience, empathy, and repair—skills they’ll use long after the preschool years are over.
Warmly,
Gia Gambaro Blount
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